Saturday, March 14, 2015

A Public Service Announcement About Running Attire

I live in Eugene, also known as Tracktown.  There are a lot of runners here.  On a sunny day, runners in groups or pairs pass my house roughly once every 90 seconds.  I see a lot of runners, in a wide variety of sartorial choices.  And all but one of these clothing choices is totally fine, and the last option is a goddamn abomination and it is a scourge that must be stopped.  I'll term that option, flappy-ass-shorts.

But first let's go through all the perfectly acceptable options:

Sweatpants:  Fine for boys and girls, young and old.  Great for cool days, though probably a bit warm a lot of the time around here.  Totally okay.

Compression clothing:  For some folks these might seem a little body revealing, but that does not seem to bother many folks in Eugene.  These are practical and okay.  As an added bonus if you want increased modesty it is easy to layer other articles over these.  An excellent choice for anyone, and a very popular choice around here.

Stretchy Super Short Shorts:  Surprisingly popular around here, mostly for women.  Once again, I'm totally fine with this (heck, I ain't gonna lie, I'm kind of a fan).  I do also see these on guys, and that is totally okay too.  For the picture I selected a pair that is about two inches longer than what I usually see, but that is more to give an idea of why I am surprised they are so popular.

Running Skirts:  I've only seen these on women, but this is Eugene, so I would not be surprised or dismayed to see them on a guy.  It's a cute option.  I'm not sure why a skirt is needed for running, but if it is comfortable, then great.

Baggy Running Shorts:  On a warm day, you can't go wrong with these.  Lightweight, freely moving, not super body revealing, and they look fine.  You can even pair them with compression shorts or leggings.  There are abundant options in a variety of lengths for men and women.

Running Briefs:  There are a lot of college track athletes in this town, this option is more common than you might expect.  And it's fine.  If you are in great shape and want to show it off.  I don't really understand what other reason there would be for selecting this option.

And because this is Eugene, we can't ignore...

Running Naked:  I question the wisdom of this choice for men and women, it seems painful for both, but hey.  Do what you want, let your freak flag fly.  This is Eugene, and therefore this is a viable option.  But seriously, it doesn't look like fun to me.  I selected a blurred out photo, you are welcome.

And finally, the horror...

Flappy Ass Shorts:  If you had come to me a year or two ago and said, "there is going to be a running attire fad that will regularly expose significant portions of women's rear ends."  I would have said, "That sounds AMAZING!  When can this start!"  And then if you said, "it will also include men."  I would have replied, "So, nothing wrong with runners butts."  And then if you said, "No, you don't understand, you are going to hate this on everybody."  I would have said, "You are wrong, and you are a liar.  There is no world in which I would object to runners butts."  And I would have been wrong.

I am referring of course to the slit sided running short-shorts.  They are baggy and the back is essentially a flap that flies up one side at a time with each step.  You might assume that seeing one quarter of a runner's buttocks exposed with each step would be a good thing.  God knows I would.  And yet somehow the effect is bizarrely off-putting.  There is no way that it should be unpleasant to look at a fit person's body, and yet these GODAMNED FLAPPY-ASS-SHORTS MAKE RUNNERS BUTTS LOOK DISGUSTING!!!! (four exclamation points so that you know I am slipping into insane frothy rage)

This has to stop.  I want to be able to look out of my window without the fear that some attractive young runner is going to gross me out with their flappy ass.

I don't even understand why these shorts are worn as they are.  Are these men and women actually running without underwear?  Or are they running in thongs.  For the men I feel like unless they are wearing a dance belt (Click the link at your own risk) they are risking severe scrotal injury.  For the women, I just wonder if briefs are really so confining.  These would be fine with compression shorts, or even briefs.  But somehow I only seem to see people running with flappy ass shorts and no butt coverage.

Perhaps part of the problem is that the texture of the fabrics reminds me of a blown out sodden poopy diaper.  In any case, these shorts are gross, and people need to stop wearing them.  The image I selected spares you from the full ass flap experience, you are welcome.

This has been a public service announcement.  Please spread awareness of this growing and disgusting trend, and tell a friend.

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